Look at this, a lovely plate of regional Italian food, all that completely appropriate Italian macaroni and authentic Italian pizza from Italy, where did you cook this, in a clothes dryer filled with piss? Why is the pizza and the pasta on the same plate! Why do people do this? Just get another plate you fool; it’s the culinary paedo in a playground: no good can come from this, no good!
Stop fetishisizing the cuisine anyway, microwave pizza and frozen prawn pasta is as much to Italian cuisine as Nespresso is to coffee. Fuck Nespresso and fuck everyone who owns one. Nespresso is made by Nestle, who make Blend 43, it’s that simple, how the FUCK could anyone even consider buying something from a company who has done such a thing to the world? I can just imagine some smug self proclaimed swinging bachelor in his shitty Politix smart casual attire, standing by his customised Nespresso pod based coffee system, passionately stroking his dick over how much he thinks he’s killing it in life as some bullshit coffee and milk based beverage pours from its overpriced pod based delivery system. Just about to head off to work to his digital media creative job in an office filled with irrelevant beanbags, thinking about all the Byron Bay Pale Lager (not brewed in Byron Bay) and $17 Cheeseburgers he’s going to consume with all his dickhead friends doing shitty coke at some hidden alleyway bar named after a novel his life bears no resemblance to.
Ugh, Americana; are we done with our tex-mex are we? All you hot shit big potato men with your hot wings and your sliders and your fucking imitation KFC - listen, you can’t tell the difference between a McDonald’s Cheeseburger and a $17 Tarantino burger. You think you can, but ya can’t - deep down ya know ya can’t, dontcha now, you big fuckhead?! The same goes with your rebranded KFC. You think it’s better, you think it holds cultural or culinary significance and you think you can taste the difference - and even if this were true you can’t taste the difference because how else could you sleep at night knowing you’ve just bought fast food at 4 times the price, you self righteous coward? I liked a good burger as much as anyone, yet you all had to do this, repeating, repeating, taking it to the fucking extreme - pulled pork, brioche buns, fried chicken, sliders, sliders, fat men drinking pretend craft beer - fucking EVERYWHERE, thanks for ruining everything you FUCKHEADS!